Following the field tests and feelers I’ve put out regarding my children’s picture book series, I’ve been studying the feedback anew.
A couple of people felt that the ending of the first story was a little awkward and disjointed, so I thought I’d try to address that criticism before I submit to any other agents.
I have therefore shuffled some lines and reworked the last two verses. I hope this makes it stronger.
Please feel free to read and compare the new version below with the old posted under the original ‘Daring to Share’ entry. Let me know what you think. Honesty appreciated, as long as it is tactfully delivered!
There’s a Dragon in My Soup!
Ginny Giant sat down to tea:
Her favourite soup – ham and pea.
Her mother went to get some bread
“Careful, it’s hot!” her mother said.
Ginny sipped; but what’s this she’s found?
Something big and hard and round.
Ginny frowned, “That’s not a pea!”
“What IS this inside my tea?”
As she looked, the round thing broke
And out of it came a puff of smoke!
“A dragon’s egg!” hear Ginny whoop
“There is a dragon in my soup!”
“Now don’t be silly, Ginny dear
What would a dragon be doing here?”
“The backstroke, mum, if I’m seeing it right
He’s really cute, but he gave me a fright.”
“Eat your tea, stop playing games.”
“Come see for yourself, he’s blowing flames!”
Her mother looked, and sure enough
The dragon gave another puff.
The dragon climbed from Ginny’s bowl
By using her spoon as a pole
He flapped his wings to get them dry
But, though he tried, he couldn’t fly.
“Well, I never!” Mrs Giant said,
“He’s wearing a peapod on his head!
I wonder how I brought him home?
Dragons are not known to roam
Up in the mountains they survive
Where they are left alone to thrive
I’ve never seen one in the trees
Let alone in soup with peas!”
“He’ll never get back on his own
He’s only young; he needs a home.
Can I keep him? Let’s ask Dad
He’ll be the best pet I’ve ever had!”
Mrs Giant shook her head,
“I’m not so sure,” her mother said,
“A dragon would be hard to tame
And there is danger from his flame.”
When Dad came in, he was concerned
“Your Mum is right, we’ll end up burned.”
“I promise, I will take great care,
To part with him I cannot bear.”
To make her happy, Dad relented
So Ginny Giant was well contented
“We’ll stay together to the end,
I’ll call him Sweetpea, my new friend.”